why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
ibopfufen
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.