Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired