Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

🤣

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible