Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what