Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

favorite tropes as memes

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.