Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
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Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?