Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
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[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Not all heroes wear capes…
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this