Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
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cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.