Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
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If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
blocked.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I can also cook 😂
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are