Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
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Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I think I’ll stand
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.