Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
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Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
weddings should have a worst man
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Bring back the McRib
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels