Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
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“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*