why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
