why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
#SaturdayBears
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
