why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
