My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me, flirting😏
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt