@Gaby_Moss

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

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@TheyCallMeMaaaa

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

@FU_TangClan

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

@Marlebean

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

@OutOfLeftField_

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

@ghostkrogh

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

@JB4Realz

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

@KalvinMacleod

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

@Parkerlawyer

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

@sirchutney

Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

@thentherewasmo

Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12