Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
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(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Nice try, NASA
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.