Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.