Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

The first one, obviously

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

Nice try, poison.

I get disoriented driving more than a few feet with my car’s backup camera, so I get it, pilots who crash, I totally get it.