why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 饾槰饾槳饾槰饾槰饾槶饾槮
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else鈥檚 photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn鈥檛 really a pug
? 馃拃
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I鈥檓 appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Sperm Can鈥檛 Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.