Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

bears

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.