Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?