Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
tfw you realize …
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true