Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home