Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
A roof is a house hat.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat