why is everyone yelling about nude ears
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My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
That time Alicia messaged me
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.