why is everyone yelling about nude ears
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I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.