why is everyone yelling about nude ears
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[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.