Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

Word.

~ Microsoft.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha