Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
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People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
TRAIN’S HERE
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”