Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
You Might Also Like
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
*limbos under the caution tape
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.