Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
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*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
stop
🤣🤣🤣
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up