Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Who knew!
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Smile Twitter, Smile.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
How is it still this week?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.