Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
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All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Had an epiphany today.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*