Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.