Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.