Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,