Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.