Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.