Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?