Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
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[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?