Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.