Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
learning about math 🧐 📝
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.