Why is he not as excited to meet me? đ
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Itâs actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say âYou can do mine next if you want!â.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other peopleâs crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldnât even care if I killed someone in front of him.
The Sound of Music taught me if you donât like your countryâs regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[At a childâs birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes butâŚ
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasnât had proper cooling time.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going âuhuh uhuhâŚOne two one twoâŚLetâs do thisâŚâ No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? Theyâre already sexy.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
itâs so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they donât want you to be crazy
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that youâd do for a Klondike bar has me concernedletâs talk
If youâre going to cook a hamster, donât you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that Iâve been smelling all day.
Hairstylist: SoâŚwhatcha thinkin?
Me: ThisâŚ(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww⌠bless your heart
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Me: I want to ask you one question â are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: Iâm not giving your cat braces
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals â I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: Youâre spilling.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didnât attend.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. Sheâs even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Me: âOh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.â
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr⌠get it?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose â holding your record albums