Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
You Might Also Like
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I have a type: disappointing
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
honey, bring out the fine china.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.