Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
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The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
