Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
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Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.