Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Is this a threat?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”