Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Oops

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.