Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙