Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes
Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!