Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

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Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes

Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back


Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.


Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.


What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!


[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting


Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced


Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*


Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.


ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.


You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!