Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
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me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.