Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

How do I get a job writing these texts

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly