Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

can’t catch a break

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.