Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
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Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
concern
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Only you can prevent podcasts
You can’t outrun your problems…
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer