Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
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I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.