@JohnLyonTweets

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

- @JohnLyonTweets

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@AngryRaccoon2

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

@DickMarcs

Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.

@TheHoyBoy_

When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors

@KateQFunny

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

@susie_meister

If we eliminated, “Is your car running ok?” from our conversations, my dad and I would never speak.

@FrenulumBreve

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

@ApocalypseBnG

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…