@JohnLyonTweets

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

- @JohnLyonTweets

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@HallpassCanada

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

@longwall26

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

@delusionaliam

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

@fusedude

I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.

@Home_Halfway

WINNIE THE POOH: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton

@WheelTod

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

@jessokfine

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks