@JohnLyonTweets: Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
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@DaddyJew: 9: can I go play at TJ's house? Me: who? 9: TJ, you've met him like a thousand times Me: no idea 9: he lives 2 houses down Me: not ringing a bell 9: they have a yellow dog Me: oh..Bark Whalberg's house? Yea that's fine
@GuyBreakup: BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat? GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat. BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House. GF: [eyes narrow]
@lazerdoov: I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast