@JohnLyonTweets

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

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@Taryn_

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

@jonnysun

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

@amelianashh

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

@freudianscript

I’m not here to fix your problems, i’m here to set an example of what happens when your problems don’t get fixed.

@Mr_DrEsquire

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

@OhHellsYes

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

@Ryan_Patricks

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.