That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
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*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Life’s a piano and I’m wearing boxing gloves
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I’m not here to fix your problems, i’m here to set an example of what happens when your problems don’t get fixed.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I didn’t kill any moths with my mothballs…
My aim is just terrible!