Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal