Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

…u ok Nintendo?

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.