Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*