Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On