My eyes are brown with tiny flecks of narcissism.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you.
ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!