@awkwardphilippe

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

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@clindsaysway

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

@samhcarr0ll

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

@hoedeehoe

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

@Ygrene

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

@RickAaron

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

@shadygeekdad

DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you.
ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!