Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.