Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*