The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
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It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.