Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

My dog ate my work from home.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

That was easy.