Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
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THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Yep.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
boat question
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.