Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Welcome to the stomach
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.