Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.