Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
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My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!