Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 馃槑
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that鈥檚 where the cheese is
me: Because that鈥檚 where the cheese is!
Thursday
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
decorating my apartment
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Guy at Q&A when there鈥檚 only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we鈥檙e all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let鈥檚 give it up for the staff…
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we鈥檒l be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it鈥檚 a dinner for two.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My mother had eight kids and she鈥檇 buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don鈥檛 tell me about your childhood problems.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Humans shouldn鈥檛 come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Every time.
If you鈥檙e planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don鈥檛.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that鈥檚 going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.