Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

im all 3

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is