Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Girl, same.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?